So this is what it has come to. I went into this, my initial trimester of study, in the midst of a twisted and broken relationship. I finished yesterday. Nothing has changed. I just put my feelings on pause for, how long? Three and a half months. Studying has kept me busier and more purposeful than I have ever been. It has enabled me to ignore how lonely, angry and sad I am about my life with Suzy.
I emotionally blackmailed Agrippa into coming out with me last night. He wanted to stay home to play on the computer or watch telly. He suspected his second Dad would let him. I suspect he would have too. We met some nursing students at Winn’s, Suzy served us and I joked that it was the only time she did. This is of course untrue. I did not want Agrippa to get bored so we went in search of after dinner ice cream before going home.
When Agrippa and I got home from Winn’s we had a short play on Minecraft together, it was fun. I’d had a busy day looking after John Lee who is running out of life. He tells me old age is not for wimps. His knees are shot so he falls over most days. John tells me he died over a month ago. I think he is talking about life.
I made Agrippa a hot water bottle after reading him a little of “Flowers for Algernon”. Suzy and Rodney were both cuddling him goodnight when I went to give it to him. A sacharine scrum that I am not a part of. Suzy said she was tired from work. I chatted to her as she showered, I told her how nice her tummy looked as she dried herself off. We went to bed, but Suzy wanted to check the tennis first. So she began to read the scores off the Roland Garros website. She was disappointed it was not televised. I tried to find an audio stream on my phone in bed. Suzy began to send text messages to Rodney, who had gone to bed in the shed. She told him the score. I stopped looking for audio streams and just listlessy poked at my screen. Suzy became excited about the tennis, Rodney texted back he had found an audio stream.
The tennis goes on all night. Suzy said, “You won’t make me pay an emotional price for this in the morning will you?” I was silent for a bit. Three and a half months on pause and now this fucked up relationship continues. “No, I’ll try not to”.