Awoke after a restless night with an aching back. Lay in bed from two in the morning. My mind tangentially racing around pointless circuits. Exasperated I made the decision to get up at dawn and run to Villeville and back. As the sun rose I fell asleep. At eight Suzy came in and woke Agrippa and I up with news of Pyrrho's new Harley Davidson and that the oven was full of breakfast scones. I got up feeling tired from all the lost sleep and undecided about going for the run I'd decided upon. Decision and indecision folding in my insomnolent mind. Decisions made for me I get up and eat scones. Did I want to play Risk the board game with Agrippa? No, I want to write this. Headphones on to blank out further requests, allow me to make my own decisions.
Pyrrho decided to buy a Harley Davidson a year or so ago. He paid it off throughout the year and just told his ex-wife this morning. He had been worried about this decision he made. Hung up on how she might react. Guilt at spending money that she might not think was his to spend. So much money on what is essentially a toy. He just wants approval from the people that matter to him. Sasha said, "I don't care what he does with his money". I know Pyrrho will be sad to find she matters to him more than he does to her. Just another ending to their former life together.
A stack of books in front of me, "Functional Histology", "Ischemic Heart Disease", "Medical-Surgical Nursing" and so on. I got them from the Villeville Hospital Library. They were giving them away, really. I've not even opened one of them. Studying is bullshit. I am not an academic and I never will be. I don't think being and academic is even a real role anymore. They have been replaced by Researchers and Vocational Teachers. Both can choose to call themselves academics and attend the various pompous ceremonies thrown by their Universities but they are kidding themselves.
I am working again this year in the same roles I had last year. For the Library I will be helping students to find and operate books. For the Equity department which specialises in sales to punters who come from backgrounds that attract government funding to pay their fees. It's a sort of complicated method of claiming government benefits, like most jobs in Australia. Giving your mind.
I began my studies beholden to noone but my family and to a very limited extent my clients. I now find myself in relationships with the Fire and Rescue Service, The University and the Nursing and Midwifery Board of Australia. I had not really realised the extent of control they could exert in my life until I firstly, had an essay plagiarised by a first year student; and secondly, lost my licence for speeding. In both instnces I was forced into a correspondence with these faceless organisations. Amongst them all, the University has one the stakes of evil facelessness. I recieved threats enforcing their will at the cost of my planned future and previous two years of privations. My hatred for staff that blindly follow their specified roles without a human thought is deep. I have considered getting on a plane to a randomly chosen country. On arrival heading for the slums or the hills, anywhere I can disappear. I would begin my life again beholden to noone.
It is 9.26am and I am almost done writing this crap. The scones are settling into my gut, converting into fat and shit. I've drunk enough coffee to go full circle and make no damn difference. I am going to stuff my phone, a towel and some water into a backpack and go run up the coast. I'm not going to stop until I've burnt away everyone elses decisions that lie heavily across me.